been proven wrong

I have had many people walk in and out of my life. And a lot of them have been anything but nice to me.  Over the years most of my friend have turn against me and hurt me in some way. I got to the point last year where I could not go through that any more. I honestly though I was better off alone. But  then won  day last year my opinion changed, in fact my hole life changed its never been quite the same since.

It all started with me needing to go down to my local Conner store. I had not been feeling to well that day but manged to get round the store but fainted at the checkout. The girl who was serving me came and help me along with other kind people. The store manger then ask the girl to walk me home, to make shore I was  ok. We both got on really well and by the time we had walk to my flat we had clicked. i could of carried on talking to her for the rest of the day. It was so nice to finally talk to someone who had the same opinions as me. I gave her my number but as doing so i new in the back of my mind I  would never hear off her again. I got prove 'en wrong that day, she messaged me as soon as she fished her shived .
when i first met her i worried that when she sore the real me, she would be scerd away. but To my grate surprise she stayed and excepted me for exactly who i am. In a such short space of time we became best friends.
i have learnt so much from her it unbelievable, i have so much to thank her for. She has always help me to be my self and  tough me not to change for others. she also tough me that growing up was no bad thing and you could be adult and still have fun an act like a kid. i have actually learnt from us falling out too. I've learnt about love, patience and bounders, i done so much growing up sinse knowing her. I like to say I've  become more sensible but actually i have become more crazy and weird in a good way.
we have been through so much together, threes not Manny situations i  haven't been in with her. we both  have been there for each other through the low and the highs and we definitely  have fallen out a hell of a lot.  To the point were i honestly thought we were not going to last. But all the satiation we've  been in has just made are relationship stronger.  It now been nine months since we met, un i feel so lucky to have found someone like her. you don't often come a cross people like her she a won of a kind. i have spent years trying to find someone like her and am so glad i found her. i known this might sound cheesy but she is honestly won of the best things to have happened to me. i don't no what i do with out her. i feel so dam rich having her in my life. it was like winning the lottery when i met her. am always so thank full of her for every thing she dose for me she always her for me no matter what. i  love her more than anything else in the world.

she proven  me wrong in so Manny ways every day , like her staying when the going get tuff. un haw loyal she always is i finally learnt that there are  still people about that you can trust. not every won will turn there back on you. i never come a gross a girl like her before she so Unix. i never thought i be writing a blog like this let alone feeling like i do. i feel so natural round her like i dont have to fake a think. which i did in the past with others.
i cant believe haw much my opinion has changed since i met her. she help me grow as a person for the better and is honestly won reason for me still been here to day..

you may wonder why on earth i am telling you all of this and i guess in a way. i wonted to try and show you all, that not every won is the same.  to not give up hope like i nearly did there will always be someone who cares or someone out there who would love to be your best friend or lover or both. un  to really really cherish that person if you find them because i can honesty tell you there one in a billion. dont close your heart to new things and people haw every much you might have been hurt.  your missing a lot if you do shy away from finding new people to be with. i know it is making your self vunrabel by buting your self out there. but i tell you it can be so worth it some times !

True love

hey i haven't bloged in a wile, sorry it been so long. recently i been thinking a lot about love and haw my views on it has changed over the years.
I only learnt recently what real true love is. True love isn't Something you come a cross every day. Your  lucky to find real love with someone ones in your life your even luckier to find it twice . As a wise person told me love is a slow burner. It isn't Something That just happens offer night. It can take months for a liking to grow in to loving someone. it a rare and beautiful thing when you find true love.
the true meaning of love is loving someone  know  matter what. standing by them and loving and excepting there flaws. it not just  about been there in the good times it about been there when the going get ruff.it about forgiveness and trust and loyalty.
when i was younger i could only guess what love truly meant i honestly believed i did know what it was.
but now i relies i  didn't know the true meaning at all. i was so naive when it came to relationships and love. I laugh and cringe at my self  at how i was when i when it to my first relationship 8 month a go. i kissed the girl owns and ask weather we were official. and i mistook liking for love we hadn't even stared going out properly and i told her i love her. i rally really liked  her a lot but i hadn't been with her long enough to now that i  really loved her.

for me  last December was when everything click in to place and made seance to me.
I had been dating this girl who I like very much. I found out she had cheated on me, we broke up but we remained good friends. It was then That I realised that I  truly loved her, to me  it didn't matter what she had done I was going to stay and be there through everything. i wanted to carry on knowing her and having her as part of my live. i hated the thought of lousing her. my life would of honestly suck with out her.
it something i used to find quite hard to explain to other people,about why i stayed but it because i truly love her. you no you truly love some won when u can see past and love them for their  flaws and insecurities. you put there happiness before your own, you do anything for them. Love is like gravity. Your whole centre shifts, Suddenly, it's not the Earth holding you here it them.

i think in the past i had a complicated few on what love was it not as complicated as people make out.
i personally think true  love is the most beautiful thing, love is all you need it rally dose concur every thing. i feel incredibly lucky to experience it first hand, to me it the best feeling in the world. i feel blessed i feel like the richest girls. i personally think it the greatest gift you could get or give to someone. cherish that gift and never let it go, be shore to take good care of it. 

i never thought in a million year that it was even possible that someone could really love me. that i would fall head over heals in love with someone. that i find the girl of my dreams,  i cant believe am saying this but i have i found the won, the person i cant see my self with out. she my best friend the person i care most about, i feel very lucky like i won the lottery. as i found love is the best feeling in the world be it can also be the most painful. knowing that you can not  see or be with the won you love all the time because of distance, or other reasons. i know because the parson i love lives 30 miles away but as i have discovered it doesn't matter where u or your partner is in the world. or what your both going through  because love Will bring you together love concourse every thing. 

body image issue

In this blog I want to talk to you all about body image. It's a topic I feel strongly about, so many girls and guys are worried about how They look. Society has an effect on us all when it come down to are image.I know me and some of my friends Have really been affected by Low self-esteem and body image issues.  I think won reason why so many of use have these  issue is because society has this perfect ideal looking person that is portrayed in the Media. over the years we have been conditioned in to thinking that people should look a serten way. if you don't look a sertern way and you look supposedly different then you get singled out and picked on. if you have a  womanly figure people think your fat when your not.
 Young people want to luck like that person on the magazine.  they try and make them self look like exactly like what they see. Witch is Impossible because the Media  have made models and celebrates look like that by air brushing. They use technology to create the perfect image the perfect person.as a society we think it  wrong to be curvy and to have a bum and boobs. Why is it that society thinks that stick thin people  are good looking un sexy.? It always the thin girl that look toned or the guy with abs that have the main roles. curvy girls are always the best friend in the the supporting role.

for me growing up i got bullied about my image i was the quirky girl with round  glasses and braces
i remember if when i was a kid and looking at people in movies and saying i wish i look that beautiful
and thin i thought i was fat at the age of 8. i wonted to look like the other girls at school. i wonted to be perfect. i remember when i was a young teen i had just started middle school  i put on a Stone and i cried i thought i was fat and made my self lose the Stone again. i honestly thought i was ugly i had more people saying that i didn't look nice than i had saying i was pretty.
 my sister thought she was fat she would say to me i need to lose wight am not thin enough  I'm not pretty. my sister as always been sick thin and petty i wanted to be like her. i wanted to grow up looking like Hannah Montana or any of these other TV Disney stars.  i would binge eat and then i would stop eat for to days because i felt guilty i was like this for many years . i never felt pretty enough even to this day.

last September i stop eating probably at all i would hardly eat anything, and if i did i have to make my self sick and or take laxatives. i look in the mirror and say i look ugly you cant see what other people see. i look on the Internet for ways of losing weight. id take lose wight pills. i wanted to look like anything but me i would of taken plastic surgery if some had offed it to me. all because i wanted to look like this perfect that i soure on a magazine and on TV. i punished my self for the way i looked, i thought it was the reason now won wonted to go out with me. my self esteem was at rock botem. I got diagnosed with a eating disorder in December last year.

i still have my eating disorder but i have manged to get to a place were i don't feel bad and insecure with out make up i never use to be able to go out side with spending a hour or tow on my appearance i was so paranoid about how i looked. i try now  and love my self as i am there surten thing i cant change about how i look. am never going to look like that girl on the magazine because the girl on the magazine doesn't look like that either.  i would like to point out, i no i have a big problem with my image which i am constantly working to try and improve the way i see my self.

i have friends who have had  smiler problems to me, and it horrible to see. they cant see what i see how  pretty they look. i believe every won look pretty in there own right. and beauty is a state of mind. to me some who as no hair is beautiful, some who as scars for some reason or a unusual mark on there face it dose make them any the less. pretty and stunning and beautiful.

It horrible how society see image and how it controls a lot of are life's. it horrible haw it afect young people as young as 6 how developed eating problems and self image issues it not right. yes there are people  who have positive views on image and serten people and organisations are changing people mides about the way they see image. but it not enough we need to more to raise awareness and teach young people about positive ways to see body image.  society and conditioned and brain washed are mind in to thinking and seeing thing in a particular way.

i would love to see a magazine that  has pictures of girls and guys wearing no make up and showing people how to look after you skin in heathey ways. show people that is OK to have curves and you don't have have abs to look sexy.

and to everyown   out there who don't think there beautiful or pretty you are don't listen to what any won else says !  love is loder than the presure to be perfect :)

invisable problems

hey i want to talk to all my readers to day about invisible problems. It difficult having a invisible problem or disability,  i mean if u have a physical disability every wons all over you. people feel Riley sorry for the person in the wheelchair or who is blind or  other physical conditios. there fisable to people so the under stand more and they can see that there dealing with a lot.
but for some like me who have hidden problems there not fisable to the eye nesserlaly. beause most of my conditions are all to do with the brain, people can't see what a tuff time some won  like me is going through. It essayer for people like  me to hide what there going through so people don't know.
In the past i have had people not believe me when i say what i have been diagnosed with like bi polor or dyslexia. they will desmiss it because the cant see anything wrong with me. In the past i have had a lot of prejudiced offer my codistions. when i was a kid in second grade my school dident belive me when i got diagnose with dyslexia and dyspraxia. they said there was no such thing and it was an exuse that i didn't try hard enufe. soome told me the reson i was so clumsy was becouse i was fat. quite a few people have come up with theorys of why am like haw i am and trying to dismiss my diagnoises . a long the lines of she just stupid slow docent try hard enuve, she makes her self low she dose it for attention. i could go on for ever with exampules. i think some of the hate and prejudice i got was because of ignorantce, there isent a lot of  comon knowledge about some of the isuse i face. people defanatly need more education on such issue as Bipolor and  borderline personalatly desoder and any other disapilatys that are not well kown about.

i wont people to relise people like me are dealing with a hell of a lot and just because you cant see the  strugels dosent mean there not there.  for me i have seven diagnosed isuse all of wich are manly to do with how you brain functions. for the people who dont no no  i have bipolar, eating desoder. borderline personalty desoder, erlings, dyslexia and dyspraxia and dyscalculia. plus all the isuse every won cope with. i dont think people rellly relse what a constent strugle it is for some like me i mean just having to deal with one is enove to cope with. copeing with  my life can be really tuff it feels like a constent big war that you lose most of the time. you win ocasonly and for to second your ok and you lose it agin. dont get me wrong i have lurnt so much having all this isuse am a better person. it hard having inviiabale problems people just see a normal girl on the out side. people dont seam to under stand so
 just remmber never juge a book by it cover u never now whar that person is deling with. just be mindful of the fact that person could be dealing with somthing,be careful about jumping to conclutions.
you dont no what that person hiding or going through at home or in there minds. take a minnute and think befor you hastely juge and think you no that person. never belittle what some going through it may seam like somthing small to you but it not to a nother person.

if u want to know about any more about the conditions i mestions in my blog i would be happy to  try and expaine in more detail.

my best friend

OK this blog post is dedicated to won special person she my best friend. I met her last year in September it was Cinda weird how we met, i was in my local Conner store and i clapsed at the check out. She was the won serving me, she came to my rescue straight a way along with a few other kind people. she walk me back home and we immediately clicked it was kinda serial for me i didn't think she would ever talk to me again. but her i am now writing about her and my friendship 6 months down the line and were best friends. we have both been through so much together  over the last couple of months, but we have stuck by each other through every thing. i keep on worrying when she going to leave and turn here  back on me, it never happened that true friends for you they don't leave they say and stand by you. i never experience anything like this friendship before i feel so lucky. she tough me so much, she always reminds me to be my self and how to have banter and a laugh with people. i learnt haw to except my self and not were makeup i learnt so much from her.

i am so grateful to of met her and to have her in my life even just as a best friend. i really do think are friendship is something special and Unix, i try and explain to other people they cant quite believe what a good relationship we have going. we no each other like a book u no off by heart, she never judges me and support me through everything.she dose annoy me some time aspeshly when she can't  see how beautiful she is. she can be a bitch some time and some times very silly much i fear for her a lot
 i wanted to tell u all about this because  this girl has had such a impact on my life in so many ways. she my inspiration she amazing and unic and definitely not normal. i love her for who she is flaws and all i wouldn't  change a thing. she help me get through some really dark times and that am thankful for. she brightens my days up she can make me smile even when i don't  feel like it. she so talented and beautiful in side and out she the best thank you for always sticking by me. i appreciate you and every thing you do ilove you and need you more than you now i will love you uncoditnoly i alway be ther and ill stand by you no mater what your amazing to me never foget that

and to all of you out there appreciate the people you have around not tack them for granted cherish and love them and saver every moment when your with them.

family

Hey this blog is going to be about family and what i consider family to be.
people have all sort of view on what family is, when i was a kid i though that the normal family was a mum and a dad and two kid. i thought had to be related by marriage or blood. i got told you don't chose your family well that true, but the thing i release is just because your related doesn't make you family. i think been related and family are to different things. to me now family means loyalty unconditional love and support and acceptance. it all about been there for some now matter what been there when there isn't any won else,family sick up for each other. so to me family can be a groupie of people who aren't related a best friend or teacher. what am trying to say is you can make a family out of anything it doesn't have to be as structure to say i have a mom or a dad.i think family means so much more than that. i don't think there is such a thing as a typical family there all different.

am proud of my family even tho my family is not  a what you might call normal. i love all of them ifen tho they push my buttons.  theirs my trans mom my cross dressing dad and my birth mum. sian the sister i never had that i can call up even after we haven't spoken in years and it be like we never stop speaking. that what family is about. my real sister who i hate most of the time but love dearly. my music teacher at school and my tutor  they both are family to me to. a  my best friend Emma who feels like family even tho i haven't known her that long.

 Am lucky to have my family they have help me through so much .  am very grateful for them ifen if they do annoy me all the time. i find with family you don't always want them around but you no there there when you need them.
never take your family for granted respect them and love them and don't be ashamed of them they might not be what society expect a family to be. always sick by them and  show you are proud.

been grateful

Ok in this blog post  i am going to talk to you all about how lucky am. i don't think people say it or think it enough, they don't think of there blessings and how lucky they are To have lovely people in there life’s. every won always focuses on what they don’t have, and what they wont. people aren't often grateful for what  they have in that moment. 

i think it relly important to focus on what you have right now  and think about all the good things and be thankful for them. be bless for the little things in live it not all about the big things. 

I my self am very grateful for what i have, and the people in my life. maybe i don’t tell them enough. how much i love and care and apprestaite them. first my trans mom jane she but up with so much but she still always there for me. thank you so much for every thing you do for me. am sorry for been haw i am some time , thank you for been the best mum a girl could wish for. to my birth mum thank you for fighting my conner and putting  up with me and am so lucky to have such wonderful perent's. to my dad i actually care a lot about you and am so glad and lucky to be blessed with a dad again. 

Then there my best friend am so so incredibly  lucky to have her. she shown me that there are still people in the world that truthful and loyal. i am so thankful to her for always  sticking by me in thick and thin.am so bless to have some who will except me for me. 

i could go on for ever saying how lucky i am. am not going to but i just wanted to remind every won out there how important it is to be thankful for the thing you have.and never take people for granted. count your blessing every day and be lucky for the little things in life. like some taking the time to help you a hug or some coming to see you. if you don't appreciate thing you end up learning the hard way.  looking back and regretting that you weren't thankful for that person or thing in your life.

tea cossy geek show

this is my blog video i am the tea cossy geek hope u enjoy :)

Dear best friend

This blog post is for my best friend I am hoping she might read it. Me and her wive been through a lot together and yes like all of use we fall out. So far u have only fallen out for a few day and started speaking again. I don't now ether she believes me but I relly am very lucky to have her. Am so thankful for her she put up with a lot form me. I but up with a lot for her to we both equally get on cech other nerves I think.I no I try her patience a lot  I some time push her to the ech ,That when we normally fall out. It not like I mean to do it I don't I never do anything to hurt her. But I do hurt her some time and am very sorry for That. It so weird but we get ech other it like we're iSync. I love having thought long conversation with her talking about all sort that probe rely haw we no ech other so well. I care for my Bezzie  very much I do enthing for her I always do my best to help her with her problems I no she relly help me every single day I relly do a presiate her so much. Some time because of what we go through it dose seam some time we do make ech other worse. It not like that we both get ech other thought well I no for deferent that she get me through I can't speek for her. I definitely think we can get on top of ech other and we definitely need are space from time to time because thing get to much for use to handle.

We fell out to day and am extremely sorry for what I did as I was the cores I always say when am wrong. I relies now haw insensitive I was  to the poticular problem because in ever bee Through it. I didn't get it at all I said something that I truly wish I had never said. I was pressuring her asking when was going to come over. Witch is relly daft of me to think and the things I thought were daft to
I should of been thinking about it. I should off been helping my friend i got fusrated with her wich was wrong. I under stand more about the problem now since look in to it to try and under stand more. I can't believe haw I acted it was wrong. I mean it was wrong of me to be pressuring her eny way Jeez I mean I would act in the same way if some was doing that to me.
Then I made the problem ten time worse by not leaving it after she got cross with me and said she didn't want to speak to me. I kept saying sorry again and again trying to get hold of her I felt so bad. I just wanted to show her that I was sorry and I did care I when's  to her house to try and tell her in person how sorry I was ovsaly it ident work. Think I didn't twig to was that the more  time I said sorry and tried to get hold of her to apologise  the more  cross she got with m. Because she hate me saying sorry to her it anyone her greatly. She just won't to be left alone,if I done what was sensible and  left her aloud and the gon back and hours  or to later and apologise. I might not of been siting her feeling like a complete fool or as she would say a plonker feeling so bad. I wonder wether there eny won else who like this they tack the sorry bit to far and make the person more cross ? Leson well lurnt this evening maybe it is posable to apologise to much.
It horrid releasing now what you should of done and haw to of acted. It silly I come up with lodes of good idea's to help her now. Why it alway after that you come to your senses. I relly relly hope I haven't lost her I hate to lose her as my fiend there a wons in a live time thing were you find some you can talk to about anything and who under stand you it rear but I found it. And I feel  very lucky and bless for it. She alway brightens up my day. She a diamond in the ruff and I no people say this all the time it fake well what am saying is true I mean it form my heart she amazing and a brilliant best friend most of the thin ;) I relly do apologise and it olso want to give thanks to her for bee. There for me for showing what a real friend is all about thank you a milion time over lurnt and gained so much from been friend wither her.
 Despite what I have done to day and I not it alway seam like it but I am her for my best friend now matter what I'll low ayes support you  I love and like you for who you are who you were and who your becoming.i like all of you you flaws included.


And by the way to eny won out ther who dose have a best friend/love one/family member
Don't take them fore granted.appreciate every thing they do and make shore they no it. Be mindful full of how they feel and never let your insecurities get the best of you it a think can brake friendship if your not careful.  




 

dealing with abuse

this blog post is about something  i have never really talk or confronted it is a really difficult thing to write about i am writing about my story in the hope it might some how help some won.

 So her goes dealing with abuse is a very difficult thing, i no this for my own experiences. It a horrible feeling been so scared  to tell any won, in fear that something will happen if you do. knowing that the some who's abusing you has threatened to hurt or kill you if you say anything to any won.
I've  been abuse by tow people on separate occasions, the first person who abuse me was a girl she was daughter of a friend of my birth mums. We use to go round nearly every weekend and my mum would talk to her friend. my mum friends daughter let just call her abuser 1 i hated her when i first met her but she started been nice to me. She got me to like her she was about 15 when i met her. but the she
would take me in to her room and touch me in place i didn't wont to be touch. She could practically do what she wonted with me i had no control. i was her experimental toy. I was 8 i did not under stand what was happening i new i didn't like it, i new i didn't wont her going near my body. she made me promise not to tell eny won or else.I didn't feel like i had the power to tell  eny won. I hated going over there i argue and protest every time my mum made me go with her.The thing was it happening wile my parents where in the next room, i had to portend every thing was OK wen it wasn't.
i got to the point i didn't won't any won going near me in fear of some doing what she was doing. i known now abuser 1 was sexually abusing me i just didn't under stand anything about what she was doing i was a Innocent child.
i was so glad when she moved a way from her mum home, but i still had everything that she had done going around in my head.  Remembering that she had told me never to tell eny won, i bottling every thing up in side me not having the strength to talk to eny won about it.  Because i was so young i didn't know what abuse was i just new it was wrong and i hated what she did. it was only as i got older i released what abuser 1 had done to me and began to but the pieces together. i had nightmare about abuser 1 about how she come back and find me if i told it was horrible. i have now begun to talk about what happened, but it is  hard and some people refuse to except what did happen to me.

i have also had other experiences like with my uncle were he would get drunk and he do or try and do stuff to me.  Like touch me and feel me up in intemet places  and made me feel worthless, he do it in Conner or when now won was watching. he go to hug me and say or do soothing now won suspected anything. he always tryed to hurt me he dident wont people to now what he was doing every won thought just beth been clumsy again  i hated going to see him i still do. i Rufus to see him now if i can help it but most people believe it because of what he was like with my trans mum .Which i talk about in preface blog. don't get me wrong i stop seeing him and my hole family because of how the treated her. but it was also because i was scerd of him apishly when he got drunk i was 7 or 8 when it started.

after that i fell in to lot of trap were i though the situation was different to what it was .like with friend using me just to fetch and carry for them the just wonted  my money the new i was easy id let any won bush me around. i let them because i had no other friend and i new in the back of my head i didn't deceived any more. i always said i never be won of thoughts girls running around after other people been there slave. but i ended up been won off them and Even when people told me .there using u i would listen and i said other wise ,i didn't wont to admit that they didn't really wont to be my friend at all.  it hard realising that you are thinking about the friendship more than them you don't wont to belief that it the case. you try and excuse there behaviour, you do anything for it not to be true.
 all the thing that people have done to me has Left me questioning my self. is that all am worth? i don't deserve eny better, then you question every won scerd that there going to hurt you to. for a long time i hated the idear if been intimate with eny won i got jumpy when some gave me a hug. i hated people walking behind me because i was scerd of some doing something to me i had no trust at all.

 be mindful of those who are dealing with some realise that it it isn't easy for people to tell don't judge them as been week because they haven't mange tell eny won. it traumatic going through what i did.
using and abusing come in all sort of Wise some miner some Madge but never the less horrid to go through.having the strength to talk to some is extremely difficult but worth doing if you can relies that that person is using you no the warning signs.  with some who is using you, you can have the strength to say no i had enuve  but you need to realise what there are doing to you. tell some or if some is note sing you been used. realise they are properly right. it a difficult thing to do but you can do it. seek help listen to the people around you who are telling u your been use have the courage to do soothing. your worth more you deserve more
with abuse am not going to site her and preach and say go get help don't sit in silence suffering. because i could not get up their courage to tell some until 5 year later. it is really difficult to have the strength and the bravery to seek help. to stand up and say infue is enuve  i didn't and regretted not telling eny won scary as it is to tell people it with it there so much support out there i never got eny people i didn't tell eny won Riley till recently. have the strength to tell some write it down tell some anonymously don't suffer in silence like i did

besties

Talking sense

this is me and my friend Emma video watch and share  tell your friend hope you like it :)

leving with dyspraxia

As some off you all ready no i am very very clumsy and i have an excuse to be i am dyspraxic. 

Now for people that don't no it is a form of a development coordination disorder (DCD).  It affects you in different ways, in fine motor skills such as writing ,fastening clothes and piking thing up. anything you do with you hand it can Oslo affect your speech. It also affect your  your gross motor coordination, meaning your legs and arms don't do what there told to do. you have problems with spaceshel  awareness you cant juge distances at all. It a life long condition it recognized that it is a disability. dyspraxia is a hidden disability which makes it hard to under stand how it dose affect people and by the way for people who don't no a disability is anything that affect you on a daly paces,

 Here is a inside to haw it has affected  me.

well its defiantly not been easy coping with having dyspraxia,i got diagnosed when I was 7. 

I got diagnosed with severe dyspraxia, I had  to go every  week to see a specialist to help me cope. I  had adapted knight and fork and adapted pen to write with. At the time when i was a kid i was a lot worse in menny. I could  never  concentrate or say still at all,i was allay hurting my self. Two years  in a row i have 10 admissions to hospital with different things like broken arms or leg or a concussion or something.

i remember this won time when i was in school i was on cruchers and i managed to drip up oder them and when to hospital with a concussion. i was  a walking disaster and i defiantly say am a hazard to my self and to other who dear to be around me . even wright from when i was a kid they use to call me a bull in a China shop i knock every thing over and brake things with one signal movement. to be honest it still happens now, at new year i when to give my sister a hug and knocked her glass out of her hand.I used to be so inpatient and heavy handed i brake my toys and pencils and pens because i had such a firm grip. it was horrid i had to have help me get dress even when i was eleven, helping me do buttons  and doing my sip up. 

 Over the years i have lurnt to adapt and cope with it, i no i have to concentrate intently  on every thing i do. like walking it one of the most difficult things for me. that and trying to multi task, i cant walk in a straight line and i walk in to thinks because i find it difficult trying to look where you going look down so you don't trip up. how do people do it at the same time.i am either tripping up or falling in to things. it were me out mentally trying to concentrate so hard so you don't brake or hurt your self every day thing an be difficult for me to do. doing buttons on clothes opening, tins cutting things up act. 

at time in the past i have got depressed and lost confidence because i thought i could do the thing that every won else was doing. my parent tried to protect me from my self by not letting me do things. I think at the time every won was convinced i would ever be able to do thing like every won else and i be very limited to what i could go and do. I didn't  wont to be treated differently i just wonted to be like won else. I was bullied because i was different and kneed help that and how clumsy i was. I hated doing PE for this reson  every won would laugh at me and call me spaz a stupid retard bitch. they hurt me then say oh look Beth's been clumsy  again and laugh the really seams to enjoy making me look like a  fool. i hate the way people make fun of me because am so clumsy, it a thing i cant help.

this days i do have a laugh and make fun of my self for been so clumsy, walking in to bins and other object such as lamp posts and doors.

 But some i cant when 5 thing  or more go wrong in won day. I will feel like crying because it make me feel horrid  to be that clumsy. like the other day i walk in to a box at work it relly hurt 

then i face planted a lamppost  and cracked my screen on my phone. i tripped up offer my own feet and feel on the floor. spilt boiling hot tea on my foot as i was carrying it. It make feel  so bad i just wont to cry,it get to me how clumsy i am some time.

over the years my attitude has change i no longer let the dyspraxic side of me stoping me doing things. i just have to work ten time harder than people who don't have it. It not a barrier stopping me doing anything. you can do anything if you put your mind to it.

this is just won a count on how it effect people it can affect you in different ways depending on the person and there environment. 

the advice i give any won who has dyspraxia is not let it get to you and it turn in to a barrier. against you doing anything don't listen to people who don't have faith that you can do things.

 emrass it and laugh about it. and just remember it docent define you as a person it dosent mean you cant  go and do amazing things or that your not intelligent. There more to you than just the label. To any parent who have a  dyspraxic child, don't stop them doing thing, Encourage your kid to try anything and tell them it good to be different and to empress 

i hope you enjoy reading my blog and you under stand a pit more about what people like me go through. you want to now more go to the dyspraxia foundation web site.

hers a few quote to leve you with 

"i may not be the strongest i may not be the fasts but ill be damned if I'm not tying my hardest"

"am not clumsy it just the floor hate me the tables and cheres are bullies and the walls get in the way "

"don't quit when things go wrong as they some time will when the road your on seams all up hill don't quit "

i have two mum's

I ma very lucky i have two mum's, one trans and the other is my birth mum. I don't often tell people not because am a shamed but because it quit complicated to explain. it not easy explaining that my tans mum used to be my dad and was married to my birth mum. I remember when my trans mum Jane came out i had to tell everyone that she was my Auntie, she never felt like  an Auntie even when she was my dad i sill though of her as a mum figure. For a long time maybe if now my birth mum found it hard and did not like or except that i thought of Jane as a mum figure. My birth mum definitely  had her reasons for not wanting me to tell people that i had an other mum, they were defiantly justified. society is not good at excerpting  some having two mum or two dad, in this case it complicated it not like there partners. It common to come a cross gay parent, it not so common to come across a trans parent. people do jump to conclusions and do not act well when i tell them. Trying to explain to someone that both your parents are divorced, or in the case of my perent there marriage was annulled meaning it was dissolved. That they don't have anything to do with each other but you see  them both as been your mums is difficult. I never use to talk about this subject with any won, i hatted  the fact i had to lie and hide that i had two mums. But that got complicated to, trying to doge question about my dad and trying to explain who Jane was to me. It frustrated me and up set me not been able to be true to how i felt. hated not telling the truth and lieing to my friends. in a way it is easy to say yer i have a trans mum but is not easy when you have to talk about both your mums. I wish sosiotly was more tolerant and excepting of the new modern family that are about now.

i have stayed of this hole subject with my birth mum, it not easy and it used to course argument. i want her to no though i don't think eny less of her as my mum. She is my mum she was the won to bring me in to the world, i am very lucky to have such a good mum as her. nothing will tack away the fact that she is my mum, i love her to pieces. she supported my and excepted my and fought for me, and got me in to a good school. i am so grateful.

but i want people to relies i do have a norther mum and she is also very impotent  to me. it is difficult some time having a trans mum I've  gone through a lot with her. i love and care  for her a lot, i love going girly shopping with her and doing fun stuff with her. She look after my so well and she been won reason am still living  she allay supported my in every thing i do.
I am not a shamed to have to mums, am defiantly not a shamed of having a trans mum ether. i am lucky because i have the best of both world i have a girly mum who i go shopping and do girly thing with. and have a sporty mum who i can go out and do fun activity's with and have a laugh  with. there both equally inspirational  people to me.

my coming out story

last year i finally came out as been gay, it was won of the scariest things i had to do. I rember  the first person i came out to ,it was won of my perents i said i think i might be gay but i don't no. i didn't get the  reaction i expected she said "i had my feeling that you might me and am happy whatever you are " i am so glad i had support from her. It was won of my fears that she would act badly to it, am not shore why i was scerd as she part of the lgbt comunaty to.
I spent two week eploring wether i relly was, i never had though about it propely. There was no dought about it i am a lesbian, but for thought two week when i truly started to exblore my self. I whent though deniel that i was,  i felt shame and terror at the time i wannted to be normal to fit in. I dident want there to be another reson for some won to bully me, i new how horrid my friend had been when a girl at school came out. In the end tho it was making me so unhappy not been able to be my ture self. i did start coming out to people and i got quite exsited it was rally freeing, been able to say to people am a lesbian and not feel shame about it.

Then i came out to my mum and then my sister  i relly was terified i could ifen tell her ihad to write it down. I think she though it was a faese i was going through, but at the same time saying she expted it.Then she sarted to question me and say well you cant just deside this ofer night. I  wasn't preperd for somthing like that, i mean i was all redy for some won to be out and out horrid. But not somewon  saying they exept me and everthing  but it a faces your too young to no what your sextualty is.  how can you exept some and still question what they are?

i am so glad i came out last year i feel so much more like my self it was so cool going to my first pride been out and proud. what i have lurnt from coming out is yes there allways going to be the haters but there are so menny people who are expiating. if you love your self then you should be out and proud. it dosent matter what other people think. It just matters that you exsept your self.


just to explain for thoues who dont no, coming to turms with the fact that you are gay it takes time you. you dont just wake up won morning and say am going to be a lesbian now. i new i like girl for 4 year befor i came out. it defanaly not a choise, if i had a choise i be sight not gay. dating other girl is a lot of hard work, your deling with some who is just as bitchy and emostinol as you. if people think that lesbians what diffrent thing to sright people  your wrong. most of us we won to be in love find the person of a dreams aand live in a nice house and  have kids. i will menshon this more in my next blog.

been bipolar

last year i got diagnosed with having bipolar disorder, it not something i would wish on any won.
I can udder stand why people say you don't live long when you have the disorder. you can be a hazard to your self, both when your high and low. But it doesn't have to end in a tragic loss of some won. there are ways of coping, like going  on medication and having therapy. you also have to be able  to be strong and do a lot to help you self. as for haw you get the disorder am still undecided on what i believe.
some say your born with it or it run in the family, some say you can develop it because of horrible  or emotional thing happening in your life. i believe i developed it because of horrible event happening in my life. but i do not  pretend to under stand the how Bipolar works or how you come to have it.
a lot of people don't really understand or aprestait what people like me go through. I remember when i first noticing there was something wrong, it was back when i was in high school. i would go in to school one day rally highper i go so fast and i couldn't keep still in class. I skipped lessens if i could because i rather be doing something, like walking or doing something rally creative. my friend thought i was on drugs, i wasn't  happy when i had  high day. I never could feel real happiness or pleshore in anything i did. and though day were i felt high would last for days even weeks. my family began noticing and altho they enjoyed me being so active they found me quit exsorsting. i get rally cross and inpatient and think i coud do anything, I'd say i could do thing and pack my week full of thing with out giving my self a brake. i walk a long distances and leve the hose in a mess. i would start tasks and not finsh them. i was doing all of this and not sleeping or eating much. i'd be still awake when the sun was coming up. i allways be so posative when i was high too. i spend huge amount of moony just in won day. My family never new were i was.
Then i'd go low all of a suden like l would go to school in the mornig high and come back low. some time it would tack me a hole day to go low, it was a horrible feeling i felt like was sinking and everthing been sucked out of me. of corse people would always ask what was wrong. but the thing was nothing was making me un happy i just go like that. Then i would be alll negaitive and i hated my self, i self harm and i felt so suisidel too. at my worst there were days i would get out of bed i had no energy at all, i dident feel at the time like i had any power to make my self not be like this. I but on a funny film and i still mange to cry. I could't cheere my self up at al, l the way i started coping was to drink. i like drinking alchol because i could feel normal i fell actuly pure happyness i got quit addicted to it.
I ether was low or high or jusr numb i never had a normal day, were i felt propaly like my self. My conffedence whent up and down with my mood.  Every thing depended on my mood and i felt like i waesnt in contol of my self.
there is a lot you can do to help your self to cope and you can train your brain to deal with it better. do meditation have a good rauteen have therapy. But depending on the saveaty of the desoder some people cant do this with out medication to help.  Experts believe bipolar disorder is partly caused by an underlying problem with specific brain circuits and the balance of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. people have come up to me and said well  your a  young person your going to have mood swing your going throught a tuff time in your life. i have this a lot people dont under stand bipolor is dificalt to deal with.  It not essy and some people cope with it better than uther and it not just mood swings there so much mpre that people like me have to cope with.  For a young person like me i think it even harder because you have to try and cope with nomal hormonal mood swing and then cope with the bipolar as well. for some poeople i think that bipolar is desapaling it affected  me on a daly bacise.  I could not work or go out and enjoy my self proplay,  i had no independece becose i  could not cope with eny responsabelatys. like dealing with my finances and cearing for my self.
there is a lot you can do to help your self to cope and you can train your brain to deal with it better. do meditation have a good rauteen have therapy. But depending on the saveaty of the desoder some people cant do this with out medication to help.  Experts believe bipolar disorder is partly caused by an underlying problem with specific brain circuits and the balance of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. people have come up to me and said well  your a  young person your going to have mood swing your going throught a tuff time in your life. i have this a lot people dont under stand bipolor is dificalt to deal with.  It not essy and some people cope with it better than uther and it not just mood swings there so much mpre that people like me have to cope with.  For a young person like me i think it even harder because you have to try and cope with nomal hormonal mood swing and then cope with the bipolar as well. for some poeople i think that bipolar is desapaling it affected  me on a daly bacise.  I could not work or go out and enjoy my self proplay, i had no independece becose i  could not cope with eny responsabelatys. like dealing with my finances and cearing for my self.
i just like to say to any won who is suffering from a mood desoder of some kind, don't let the desoder own you it not you and stay stong it dose get better. Any won who has gone through enthing i have full admration ,for you all are beautiful people. just becouse you have a esuse it docent make you week or crazy. And rember the essuse it  docent define you as a person so don't let it.
i olso would like to thank every won who as been there for me and helping in me stay strong. who as put up with me though all i have but them through. i am so grateful for the people who have stuck by be. and to the people who have desonde me am sorry that you could not see past my desoder to see the real me.
i made menny sepret  atemps on my life in the times i was low, i had there sepret mager a temps ending me in hospital. people would ask me why i would wont to to somthink like this.  I aways maide a reson up i felt enparesed saying ,well i am feeling reely low and i just got in to my head to do it. I olso developed an eting desoder when i was low last year because of how negative i was feeling about my self. and my low like my highs would last for weeks.
having lows rellly scerd me  because of the danger i was to my self  but  the high olso scerd my beause i could make prober jugment about things i defently did befor i thought. it was rely good for me when i got diagnosed because i new there was somthng wrong. in sted of me thinking i was crazy. i tryed to help my self and go down the root of not having medication.  But it got to the point last year where people were saying there nothing left of that girl i new i become somthing else beause of the bipolor.
I think by the end of last year i wanted to end my life becouse idident whant to carriy on living like i was. i was having panic attact all the time i was a mess i dident have much help or impout form the mental heath team at all. Un till the end of last year when the finaly but me on medication, wich change my life completely. I fellt so much more like my self and i am now in a postion where i can help my self.  and can finally begin to get my life back. i relise now i was living have life been restricted so much.and now i am not , because now i am on medication i can rally benefit from the help that on offer.  am not saying am cured because am not you just lurn how to cope and live with it better.


haha thank you for eny won who as read my blog all they way through well done ;)

lurn to love your self

i found it so difficult of the years to except my self for who i am, I've always tyred to be something that am not. I've gone through most of my like hating who i am and what i look like. There always been something my face it to round or am fat am to weird am rubbish at everything. You ask why i was like this  because i was compering my self to every won else including people in the Media. I also tried to compete with every won else.Other people compere you to other people, then if  your not that perfect looking person you get bullied for it. It horrible how society work i don't think it help any won self confidence, i firmly believe if every won would just love each other for who they were and not judge, thing would be a lot better.

loving your self is not a  easy  thing i should know i only just started loving and excepting my self for me. It the best thing that eny won can do for them self's, don't compere your self to others. Embarrass all your flaws be proud to be you, you were born to be you not eny won else. Every won has a purpose  in life but haw can you life out that purpose if your not been you ?
i think it grate to be weird to sick out and to be a quickie, be who ever you are and be proud of it .
as my best friend  owns told be "it won thing to fit in to society it's fucking amazing to just be you "
 Don't give a dam what people think of you, it the haters that have the problem not you. It might seam strange me saying all off this, am trying to point out at then end of the day. You loving your self and excepting  your self is the most in portent thing. If you love your self it opens up so Meany thing and you see life in a different way. it true if you don't love your self your not going to be able to truly love some won else.

reflecting back on 2013 it was quit a year, in good ways and bad. i went though really dark ruff time towards the end of the year  where i over dosed twice in won week. i went through horrid heart brake, i lost my self completely and hurt the people i loved. i tried to be what every won wonted in stead of just accepting me for me. 

i got diagnosed as having a eating disorder and bipolar disorder earlier in the year.  yet it tuck till Nealy the end of the year to finally get the treatment i needed. i wasn't my self at all i feelt like i had lost every thing. then my parent boyfriend move in and i could'ent cope a tall i felt like my home had been invaded. kept portending to be fine un till won day i coudent keep it in, that when i od and started drinking. i thought i could drink all my problems away i just wonted t o run a way from it all. i had lost all my fight  by December by this time i was on medication i was just keeping my self a live for other people like my family. i didn't wont to live at all. i only felt happy when i was drinking, i coud'ent iven face Christmas at all. which is not like me at all am normally full of Christmas cheer. 

going through that ruff time last year taught me a lot, it taught me how to be truly strong. and now i love my self and am proud of my self for the first time in a long time. It always rally important to love and accept your self for who you are. and never let other determine enthing in your life, and saver every moment u have . never tack enthing or any won for grantec and when life get a but hard to handule count all your blessings. i gess the reson why i am telling you all of this, is because i won't other people to lurn of my esperiances to try and help one of you not get in to the bad place i was. 

seek help on when your problems get to much conceder other not just your self and carrie on iven when the going get truff thing never ever last for ever. and always think they will always be some won worse of than you. 

i will leve you all with this 

life is what you make it live it enjoy it 

and remember you can always find a light ifen in the darkest of places 

you jusst have to be willing to surch for it