dealing with abuse

this blog post is about something  i have never really talk or confronted it is a really difficult thing to write about i am writing about my story in the hope it might some how help some won.

 So her goes dealing with abuse is a very difficult thing, i no this for my own experiences. It a horrible feeling been so scared  to tell any won, in fear that something will happen if you do. knowing that the some who's abusing you has threatened to hurt or kill you if you say anything to any won.
I've  been abuse by tow people on separate occasions, the first person who abuse me was a girl she was daughter of a friend of my birth mums. We use to go round nearly every weekend and my mum would talk to her friend. my mum friends daughter let just call her abuser 1 i hated her when i first met her but she started been nice to me. She got me to like her she was about 15 when i met her. but the she
would take me in to her room and touch me in place i didn't wont to be touch. She could practically do what she wonted with me i had no control. i was her experimental toy. I was 8 i did not under stand what was happening i new i didn't like it, i new i didn't wont her going near my body. she made me promise not to tell eny won or else.I didn't feel like i had the power to tell  eny won. I hated going over there i argue and protest every time my mum made me go with her.The thing was it happening wile my parents where in the next room, i had to portend every thing was OK wen it wasn't.
i got to the point i didn't won't any won going near me in fear of some doing what she was doing. i known now abuser 1 was sexually abusing me i just didn't under stand anything about what she was doing i was a Innocent child.
i was so glad when she moved a way from her mum home, but i still had everything that she had done going around in my head.  Remembering that she had told me never to tell eny won, i bottling every thing up in side me not having the strength to talk to eny won about it.  Because i was so young i didn't know what abuse was i just new it was wrong and i hated what she did. it was only as i got older i released what abuser 1 had done to me and began to but the pieces together. i had nightmare about abuser 1 about how she come back and find me if i told it was horrible. i have now begun to talk about what happened, but it is  hard and some people refuse to except what did happen to me.

i have also had other experiences like with my uncle were he would get drunk and he do or try and do stuff to me.  Like touch me and feel me up in intemet places  and made me feel worthless, he do it in Conner or when now won was watching. he go to hug me and say or do soothing now won suspected anything. he always tryed to hurt me he dident wont people to now what he was doing every won thought just beth been clumsy again  i hated going to see him i still do. i Rufus to see him now if i can help it but most people believe it because of what he was like with my trans mum .Which i talk about in preface blog. don't get me wrong i stop seeing him and my hole family because of how the treated her. but it was also because i was scerd of him apishly when he got drunk i was 7 or 8 when it started.

after that i fell in to lot of trap were i though the situation was different to what it was .like with friend using me just to fetch and carry for them the just wonted  my money the new i was easy id let any won bush me around. i let them because i had no other friend and i new in the back of my head i didn't deceived any more. i always said i never be won of thoughts girls running around after other people been there slave. but i ended up been won off them and Even when people told me .there using u i would listen and i said other wise ,i didn't wont to admit that they didn't really wont to be my friend at all.  it hard realising that you are thinking about the friendship more than them you don't wont to belief that it the case. you try and excuse there behaviour, you do anything for it not to be true.
 all the thing that people have done to me has Left me questioning my self. is that all am worth? i don't deserve eny better, then you question every won scerd that there going to hurt you to. for a long time i hated the idear if been intimate with eny won i got jumpy when some gave me a hug. i hated people walking behind me because i was scerd of some doing something to me i had no trust at all.

 be mindful of those who are dealing with some realise that it it isn't easy for people to tell don't judge them as been week because they haven't mange tell eny won. it traumatic going through what i did.
using and abusing come in all sort of Wise some miner some Madge but never the less horrid to go through.having the strength to talk to some is extremely difficult but worth doing if you can relies that that person is using you no the warning signs.  with some who is using you, you can have the strength to say no i had enuve  but you need to realise what there are doing to you. tell some or if some is note sing you been used. realise they are properly right. it a difficult thing to do but you can do it. seek help listen to the people around you who are telling u your been use have the courage to do soothing. your worth more you deserve more
with abuse am not going to site her and preach and say go get help don't sit in silence suffering. because i could not get up their courage to tell some until 5 year later. it is really difficult to have the strength and the bravery to seek help. to stand up and say infue is enuve  i didn't and regretted not telling eny won scary as it is to tell people it with it there so much support out there i never got eny people i didn't tell eny won Riley till recently. have the strength to tell some write it down tell some anonymously don't suffer in silence like i did