i have two mum's

I ma very lucky i have two mum's, one trans and the other is my birth mum. I don't often tell people not because am a shamed but because it quit complicated to explain. it not easy explaining that my tans mum used to be my dad and was married to my birth mum. I remember when my trans mum Jane came out i had to tell everyone that she was my Auntie, she never felt like  an Auntie even when she was my dad i sill though of her as a mum figure. For a long time maybe if now my birth mum found it hard and did not like or except that i thought of Jane as a mum figure. My birth mum definitely  had her reasons for not wanting me to tell people that i had an other mum, they were defiantly justified. society is not good at excerpting  some having two mum or two dad, in this case it complicated it not like there partners. It common to come a cross gay parent, it not so common to come across a trans parent. people do jump to conclusions and do not act well when i tell them. Trying to explain to someone that both your parents are divorced, or in the case of my perent there marriage was annulled meaning it was dissolved. That they don't have anything to do with each other but you see  them both as been your mums is difficult. I never use to talk about this subject with any won, i hatted  the fact i had to lie and hide that i had two mums. But that got complicated to, trying to doge question about my dad and trying to explain who Jane was to me. It frustrated me and up set me not been able to be true to how i felt. hated not telling the truth and lieing to my friends. in a way it is easy to say yer i have a trans mum but is not easy when you have to talk about both your mums. I wish sosiotly was more tolerant and excepting of the new modern family that are about now.

i have stayed of this hole subject with my birth mum, it not easy and it used to course argument. i want her to no though i don't think eny less of her as my mum. She is my mum she was the won to bring me in to the world, i am very lucky to have such a good mum as her. nothing will tack away the fact that she is my mum, i love her to pieces. she supported my and excepted my and fought for me, and got me in to a good school. i am so grateful.

but i want people to relies i do have a norther mum and she is also very impotent  to me. it is difficult some time having a trans mum I've  gone through a lot with her. i love and care  for her a lot, i love going girly shopping with her and doing fun stuff with her. She look after my so well and she been won reason am still living  she allay supported my in every thing i do.
I am not a shamed to have to mums, am defiantly not a shamed of having a trans mum ether. i am lucky because i have the best of both world i have a girly mum who i go shopping and do girly thing with. and have a sporty mum who i can go out and do fun activity's with and have a laugh  with. there both equally inspirational  people to me.

my coming out story

last year i finally came out as been gay, it was won of the scariest things i had to do. I rember  the first person i came out to ,it was won of my perents i said i think i might be gay but i don't no. i didn't get the  reaction i expected she said "i had my feeling that you might me and am happy whatever you are " i am so glad i had support from her. It was won of my fears that she would act badly to it, am not shore why i was scerd as she part of the lgbt comunaty to.
I spent two week eploring wether i relly was, i never had though about it propely. There was no dought about it i am a lesbian, but for thought two week when i truly started to exblore my self. I whent though deniel that i was,  i felt shame and terror at the time i wannted to be normal to fit in. I dident want there to be another reson for some won to bully me, i new how horrid my friend had been when a girl at school came out. In the end tho it was making me so unhappy not been able to be my ture self. i did start coming out to people and i got quite exsited it was rally freeing, been able to say to people am a lesbian and not feel shame about it.

Then i came out to my mum and then my sister  i relly was terified i could ifen tell her ihad to write it down. I think she though it was a faese i was going through, but at the same time saying she expted it.Then she sarted to question me and say well you cant just deside this ofer night. I  wasn't preperd for somthing like that, i mean i was all redy for some won to be out and out horrid. But not somewon  saying they exept me and everthing  but it a faces your too young to no what your sextualty is.  how can you exept some and still question what they are?

i am so glad i came out last year i feel so much more like my self it was so cool going to my first pride been out and proud. what i have lurnt from coming out is yes there allways going to be the haters but there are so menny people who are expiating. if you love your self then you should be out and proud. it dosent matter what other people think. It just matters that you exsept your self.


just to explain for thoues who dont no, coming to turms with the fact that you are gay it takes time you. you dont just wake up won morning and say am going to be a lesbian now. i new i like girl for 4 year befor i came out. it defanaly not a choise, if i had a choise i be sight not gay. dating other girl is a lot of hard work, your deling with some who is just as bitchy and emostinol as you. if people think that lesbians what diffrent thing to sright people  your wrong. most of us we won to be in love find the person of a dreams aand live in a nice house and  have kids. i will menshon this more in my next blog.

been bipolar

last year i got diagnosed with having bipolar disorder, it not something i would wish on any won.
I can udder stand why people say you don't live long when you have the disorder. you can be a hazard to your self, both when your high and low. But it doesn't have to end in a tragic loss of some won. there are ways of coping, like going  on medication and having therapy. you also have to be able  to be strong and do a lot to help you self. as for haw you get the disorder am still undecided on what i believe.
some say your born with it or it run in the family, some say you can develop it because of horrible  or emotional thing happening in your life. i believe i developed it because of horrible event happening in my life. but i do not  pretend to under stand the how Bipolar works or how you come to have it.
a lot of people don't really understand or aprestait what people like me go through. I remember when i first noticing there was something wrong, it was back when i was in high school. i would go in to school one day rally highper i go so fast and i couldn't keep still in class. I skipped lessens if i could because i rather be doing something, like walking or doing something rally creative. my friend thought i was on drugs, i wasn't  happy when i had  high day. I never could feel real happiness or pleshore in anything i did. and though day were i felt high would last for days even weeks. my family began noticing and altho they enjoyed me being so active they found me quit exsorsting. i get rally cross and inpatient and think i coud do anything, I'd say i could do thing and pack my week full of thing with out giving my self a brake. i walk a long distances and leve the hose in a mess. i would start tasks and not finsh them. i was doing all of this and not sleeping or eating much. i'd be still awake when the sun was coming up. i allways be so posative when i was high too. i spend huge amount of moony just in won day. My family never new were i was.
Then i'd go low all of a suden like l would go to school in the mornig high and come back low. some time it would tack me a hole day to go low, it was a horrible feeling i felt like was sinking and everthing been sucked out of me. of corse people would always ask what was wrong. but the thing was nothing was making me un happy i just go like that. Then i would be alll negaitive and i hated my self, i self harm and i felt so suisidel too. at my worst there were days i would get out of bed i had no energy at all, i dident feel at the time like i had any power to make my self not be like this. I but on a funny film and i still mange to cry. I could't cheere my self up at al, l the way i started coping was to drink. i like drinking alchol because i could feel normal i fell actuly pure happyness i got quit addicted to it.
I ether was low or high or jusr numb i never had a normal day, were i felt propaly like my self. My conffedence whent up and down with my mood.  Every thing depended on my mood and i felt like i waesnt in contol of my self.
there is a lot you can do to help your self to cope and you can train your brain to deal with it better. do meditation have a good rauteen have therapy. But depending on the saveaty of the desoder some people cant do this with out medication to help.  Experts believe bipolar disorder is partly caused by an underlying problem with specific brain circuits and the balance of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. people have come up to me and said well  your a  young person your going to have mood swing your going throught a tuff time in your life. i have this a lot people dont under stand bipolor is dificalt to deal with.  It not essy and some people cope with it better than uther and it not just mood swings there so much mpre that people like me have to cope with.  For a young person like me i think it even harder because you have to try and cope with nomal hormonal mood swing and then cope with the bipolar as well. for some poeople i think that bipolar is desapaling it affected  me on a daly bacise.  I could not work or go out and enjoy my self proplay,  i had no independece becose i  could not cope with eny responsabelatys. like dealing with my finances and cearing for my self.
there is a lot you can do to help your self to cope and you can train your brain to deal with it better. do meditation have a good rauteen have therapy. But depending on the saveaty of the desoder some people cant do this with out medication to help.  Experts believe bipolar disorder is partly caused by an underlying problem with specific brain circuits and the balance of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. people have come up to me and said well  your a  young person your going to have mood swing your going throught a tuff time in your life. i have this a lot people dont under stand bipolor is dificalt to deal with.  It not essy and some people cope with it better than uther and it not just mood swings there so much mpre that people like me have to cope with.  For a young person like me i think it even harder because you have to try and cope with nomal hormonal mood swing and then cope with the bipolar as well. for some poeople i think that bipolar is desapaling it affected  me on a daly bacise.  I could not work or go out and enjoy my self proplay, i had no independece becose i  could not cope with eny responsabelatys. like dealing with my finances and cearing for my self.
i just like to say to any won who is suffering from a mood desoder of some kind, don't let the desoder own you it not you and stay stong it dose get better. Any won who has gone through enthing i have full admration ,for you all are beautiful people. just becouse you have a esuse it docent make you week or crazy. And rember the essuse it  docent define you as a person so don't let it.
i olso would like to thank every won who as been there for me and helping in me stay strong. who as put up with me though all i have but them through. i am so grateful for the people who have stuck by be. and to the people who have desonde me am sorry that you could not see past my desoder to see the real me.
i made menny sepret  atemps on my life in the times i was low, i had there sepret mager a temps ending me in hospital. people would ask me why i would wont to to somthink like this.  I aways maide a reson up i felt enparesed saying ,well i am feeling reely low and i just got in to my head to do it. I olso developed an eting desoder when i was low last year because of how negative i was feeling about my self. and my low like my highs would last for weeks.
having lows rellly scerd me  because of the danger i was to my self  but  the high olso scerd my beause i could make prober jugment about things i defently did befor i thought. it was rely good for me when i got diagnosed because i new there was somthng wrong. in sted of me thinking i was crazy. i tryed to help my self and go down the root of not having medication.  But it got to the point last year where people were saying there nothing left of that girl i new i become somthing else beause of the bipolor.
I think by the end of last year i wanted to end my life becouse idident whant to carriy on living like i was. i was having panic attact all the time i was a mess i dident have much help or impout form the mental heath team at all. Un till the end of last year when the finaly but me on medication, wich change my life completely. I fellt so much more like my self and i am now in a postion where i can help my self.  and can finally begin to get my life back. i relise now i was living have life been restricted so much.and now i am not , because now i am on medication i can rally benefit from the help that on offer.  am not saying am cured because am not you just lurn how to cope and live with it better.


haha thank you for eny won who as read my blog all they way through well done ;)

lurn to love your self

i found it so difficult of the years to except my self for who i am, I've always tyred to be something that am not. I've gone through most of my like hating who i am and what i look like. There always been something my face it to round or am fat am to weird am rubbish at everything. You ask why i was like this  because i was compering my self to every won else including people in the Media. I also tried to compete with every won else.Other people compere you to other people, then if  your not that perfect looking person you get bullied for it. It horrible how society work i don't think it help any won self confidence, i firmly believe if every won would just love each other for who they were and not judge, thing would be a lot better.

loving your self is not a  easy  thing i should know i only just started loving and excepting my self for me. It the best thing that eny won can do for them self's, don't compere your self to others. Embarrass all your flaws be proud to be you, you were born to be you not eny won else. Every won has a purpose  in life but haw can you life out that purpose if your not been you ?
i think it grate to be weird to sick out and to be a quickie, be who ever you are and be proud of it .
as my best friend  owns told be "it won thing to fit in to society it's fucking amazing to just be you "
 Don't give a dam what people think of you, it the haters that have the problem not you. It might seam strange me saying all off this, am trying to point out at then end of the day. You loving your self and excepting  your self is the most in portent thing. If you love your self it opens up so Meany thing and you see life in a different way. it true if you don't love your self your not going to be able to truly love some won else.

reflecting back on 2013 it was quit a year, in good ways and bad. i went though really dark ruff time towards the end of the year  where i over dosed twice in won week. i went through horrid heart brake, i lost my self completely and hurt the people i loved. i tried to be what every won wonted in stead of just accepting me for me. 

i got diagnosed as having a eating disorder and bipolar disorder earlier in the year.  yet it tuck till Nealy the end of the year to finally get the treatment i needed. i wasn't my self at all i feelt like i had lost every thing. then my parent boyfriend move in and i could'ent cope a tall i felt like my home had been invaded. kept portending to be fine un till won day i coudent keep it in, that when i od and started drinking. i thought i could drink all my problems away i just wonted t o run a way from it all. i had lost all my fight  by December by this time i was on medication i was just keeping my self a live for other people like my family. i didn't wont to live at all. i only felt happy when i was drinking, i coud'ent iven face Christmas at all. which is not like me at all am normally full of Christmas cheer. 

going through that ruff time last year taught me a lot, it taught me how to be truly strong. and now i love my self and am proud of my self for the first time in a long time. It always rally important to love and accept your self for who you are. and never let other determine enthing in your life, and saver every moment u have . never tack enthing or any won for grantec and when life get a but hard to handule count all your blessings. i gess the reson why i am telling you all of this, is because i won't other people to lurn of my esperiances to try and help one of you not get in to the bad place i was. 

seek help on when your problems get to much conceder other not just your self and carrie on iven when the going get truff thing never ever last for ever. and always think they will always be some won worse of than you. 

i will leve you all with this 

life is what you make it live it enjoy it 

and remember you can always find a light ifen in the darkest of places 

you jusst have to be willing to surch for it