Dear best friend

This blog post is for my best friend I am hoping she might read it. Me and her wive been through a lot together and yes like all of use we fall out. So far u have only fallen out for a few day and started speaking again. I don't now ether she believes me but I relly am very lucky to have her. Am so thankful for her she put up with a lot form me. I but up with a lot for her to we both equally get on cech other nerves I think.I no I try her patience a lot  I some time push her to the ech ,That when we normally fall out. It not like I mean to do it I don't I never do anything to hurt her. But I do hurt her some time and am very sorry for That. It so weird but we get ech other it like we're iSync. I love having thought long conversation with her talking about all sort that probe rely haw we no ech other so well. I care for my Bezzie  very much I do enthing for her I always do my best to help her with her problems I no she relly help me every single day I relly do a presiate her so much. Some time because of what we go through it dose seam some time we do make ech other worse. It not like that we both get ech other thought well I no for deferent that she get me through I can't speek for her. I definitely think we can get on top of ech other and we definitely need are space from time to time because thing get to much for use to handle.

We fell out to day and am extremely sorry for what I did as I was the cores I always say when am wrong. I relies now haw insensitive I was  to the poticular problem because in ever bee Through it. I didn't get it at all I said something that I truly wish I had never said. I was pressuring her asking when was going to come over. Witch is relly daft of me to think and the things I thought were daft to
I should of been thinking about it. I should off been helping my friend i got fusrated with her wich was wrong. I under stand more about the problem now since look in to it to try and under stand more. I can't believe haw I acted it was wrong. I mean it was wrong of me to be pressuring her eny way Jeez I mean I would act in the same way if some was doing that to me.
Then I made the problem ten time worse by not leaving it after she got cross with me and said she didn't want to speak to me. I kept saying sorry again and again trying to get hold of her I felt so bad. I just wanted to show her that I was sorry and I did care I when's  to her house to try and tell her in person how sorry I was ovsaly it ident work. Think I didn't twig to was that the more  time I said sorry and tried to get hold of her to apologise  the more  cross she got with m. Because she hate me saying sorry to her it anyone her greatly. She just won't to be left alone,if I done what was sensible and  left her aloud and the gon back and hours  or to later and apologise. I might not of been siting her feeling like a complete fool or as she would say a plonker feeling so bad. I wonder wether there eny won else who like this they tack the sorry bit to far and make the person more cross ? Leson well lurnt this evening maybe it is posable to apologise to much.
It horrid releasing now what you should of done and haw to of acted. It silly I come up with lodes of good idea's to help her now. Why it alway after that you come to your senses. I relly relly hope I haven't lost her I hate to lose her as my fiend there a wons in a live time thing were you find some you can talk to about anything and who under stand you it rear but I found it. And I feel  very lucky and bless for it. She alway brightens up my day. She a diamond in the ruff and I no people say this all the time it fake well what am saying is true I mean it form my heart she amazing and a brilliant best friend most of the thin ;) I relly do apologise and it olso want to give thanks to her for bee. There for me for showing what a real friend is all about thank you a milion time over lurnt and gained so much from been friend wither her.
 Despite what I have done to day and I not it alway seam like it but I am her for my best friend now matter what I'll low ayes support you  I love and like you for who you are who you were and who your becoming.i like all of you you flaws included.


And by the way to eny won out ther who dose have a best friend/love one/family member
Don't take them fore granted.appreciate every thing they do and make shore they no it. Be mindful full of how they feel and never let your insecurities get the best of you it a think can brake friendship if your not careful.  




 

dealing with abuse

this blog post is about something  i have never really talk or confronted it is a really difficult thing to write about i am writing about my story in the hope it might some how help some won.

 So her goes dealing with abuse is a very difficult thing, i no this for my own experiences. It a horrible feeling been so scared  to tell any won, in fear that something will happen if you do. knowing that the some who's abusing you has threatened to hurt or kill you if you say anything to any won.
I've  been abuse by tow people on separate occasions, the first person who abuse me was a girl she was daughter of a friend of my birth mums. We use to go round nearly every weekend and my mum would talk to her friend. my mum friends daughter let just call her abuser 1 i hated her when i first met her but she started been nice to me. She got me to like her she was about 15 when i met her. but the she
would take me in to her room and touch me in place i didn't wont to be touch. She could practically do what she wonted with me i had no control. i was her experimental toy. I was 8 i did not under stand what was happening i new i didn't like it, i new i didn't wont her going near my body. she made me promise not to tell eny won or else.I didn't feel like i had the power to tell  eny won. I hated going over there i argue and protest every time my mum made me go with her.The thing was it happening wile my parents where in the next room, i had to portend every thing was OK wen it wasn't.
i got to the point i didn't won't any won going near me in fear of some doing what she was doing. i known now abuser 1 was sexually abusing me i just didn't under stand anything about what she was doing i was a Innocent child.
i was so glad when she moved a way from her mum home, but i still had everything that she had done going around in my head.  Remembering that she had told me never to tell eny won, i bottling every thing up in side me not having the strength to talk to eny won about it.  Because i was so young i didn't know what abuse was i just new it was wrong and i hated what she did. it was only as i got older i released what abuser 1 had done to me and began to but the pieces together. i had nightmare about abuser 1 about how she come back and find me if i told it was horrible. i have now begun to talk about what happened, but it is  hard and some people refuse to except what did happen to me.

i have also had other experiences like with my uncle were he would get drunk and he do or try and do stuff to me.  Like touch me and feel me up in intemet places  and made me feel worthless, he do it in Conner or when now won was watching. he go to hug me and say or do soothing now won suspected anything. he always tryed to hurt me he dident wont people to now what he was doing every won thought just beth been clumsy again  i hated going to see him i still do. i Rufus to see him now if i can help it but most people believe it because of what he was like with my trans mum .Which i talk about in preface blog. don't get me wrong i stop seeing him and my hole family because of how the treated her. but it was also because i was scerd of him apishly when he got drunk i was 7 or 8 when it started.

after that i fell in to lot of trap were i though the situation was different to what it was .like with friend using me just to fetch and carry for them the just wonted  my money the new i was easy id let any won bush me around. i let them because i had no other friend and i new in the back of my head i didn't deceived any more. i always said i never be won of thoughts girls running around after other people been there slave. but i ended up been won off them and Even when people told me .there using u i would listen and i said other wise ,i didn't wont to admit that they didn't really wont to be my friend at all.  it hard realising that you are thinking about the friendship more than them you don't wont to belief that it the case. you try and excuse there behaviour, you do anything for it not to be true.
 all the thing that people have done to me has Left me questioning my self. is that all am worth? i don't deserve eny better, then you question every won scerd that there going to hurt you to. for a long time i hated the idear if been intimate with eny won i got jumpy when some gave me a hug. i hated people walking behind me because i was scerd of some doing something to me i had no trust at all.

 be mindful of those who are dealing with some realise that it it isn't easy for people to tell don't judge them as been week because they haven't mange tell eny won. it traumatic going through what i did.
using and abusing come in all sort of Wise some miner some Madge but never the less horrid to go through.having the strength to talk to some is extremely difficult but worth doing if you can relies that that person is using you no the warning signs.  with some who is using you, you can have the strength to say no i had enuve  but you need to realise what there are doing to you. tell some or if some is note sing you been used. realise they are properly right. it a difficult thing to do but you can do it. seek help listen to the people around you who are telling u your been use have the courage to do soothing. your worth more you deserve more
with abuse am not going to site her and preach and say go get help don't sit in silence suffering. because i could not get up their courage to tell some until 5 year later. it is really difficult to have the strength and the bravery to seek help. to stand up and say infue is enuve  i didn't and regretted not telling eny won scary as it is to tell people it with it there so much support out there i never got eny people i didn't tell eny won Riley till recently. have the strength to tell some write it down tell some anonymously don't suffer in silence like i did

besties

Talking sense

this is me and my friend Emma video watch and share  tell your friend hope you like it :)

leving with dyspraxia

As some off you all ready no i am very very clumsy and i have an excuse to be i am dyspraxic. 

Now for people that don't no it is a form of a development coordination disorder (DCD).  It affects you in different ways, in fine motor skills such as writing ,fastening clothes and piking thing up. anything you do with you hand it can Oslo affect your speech. It also affect your  your gross motor coordination, meaning your legs and arms don't do what there told to do. you have problems with spaceshel  awareness you cant juge distances at all. It a life long condition it recognized that it is a disability. dyspraxia is a hidden disability which makes it hard to under stand how it dose affect people and by the way for people who don't no a disability is anything that affect you on a daly paces,

 Here is a inside to haw it has affected  me.

well its defiantly not been easy coping with having dyspraxia,i got diagnosed when I was 7. 

I got diagnosed with severe dyspraxia, I had  to go every  week to see a specialist to help me cope. I  had adapted knight and fork and adapted pen to write with. At the time when i was a kid i was a lot worse in menny. I could  never  concentrate or say still at all,i was allay hurting my self. Two years  in a row i have 10 admissions to hospital with different things like broken arms or leg or a concussion or something.

i remember this won time when i was in school i was on cruchers and i managed to drip up oder them and when to hospital with a concussion. i was  a walking disaster and i defiantly say am a hazard to my self and to other who dear to be around me . even wright from when i was a kid they use to call me a bull in a China shop i knock every thing over and brake things with one signal movement. to be honest it still happens now, at new year i when to give my sister a hug and knocked her glass out of her hand.I used to be so inpatient and heavy handed i brake my toys and pencils and pens because i had such a firm grip. it was horrid i had to have help me get dress even when i was eleven, helping me do buttons  and doing my sip up. 

 Over the years i have lurnt to adapt and cope with it, i no i have to concentrate intently  on every thing i do. like walking it one of the most difficult things for me. that and trying to multi task, i cant walk in a straight line and i walk in to thinks because i find it difficult trying to look where you going look down so you don't trip up. how do people do it at the same time.i am either tripping up or falling in to things. it were me out mentally trying to concentrate so hard so you don't brake or hurt your self every day thing an be difficult for me to do. doing buttons on clothes opening, tins cutting things up act. 

at time in the past i have got depressed and lost confidence because i thought i could do the thing that every won else was doing. my parent tried to protect me from my self by not letting me do things. I think at the time every won was convinced i would ever be able to do thing like every won else and i be very limited to what i could go and do. I didn't  wont to be treated differently i just wonted to be like won else. I was bullied because i was different and kneed help that and how clumsy i was. I hated doing PE for this reson  every won would laugh at me and call me spaz a stupid retard bitch. they hurt me then say oh look Beth's been clumsy  again and laugh the really seams to enjoy making me look like a  fool. i hate the way people make fun of me because am so clumsy, it a thing i cant help.

this days i do have a laugh and make fun of my self for been so clumsy, walking in to bins and other object such as lamp posts and doors.

 But some i cant when 5 thing  or more go wrong in won day. I will feel like crying because it make me feel horrid  to be that clumsy. like the other day i walk in to a box at work it relly hurt 

then i face planted a lamppost  and cracked my screen on my phone. i tripped up offer my own feet and feel on the floor. spilt boiling hot tea on my foot as i was carrying it. It make feel  so bad i just wont to cry,it get to me how clumsy i am some time.

over the years my attitude has change i no longer let the dyspraxic side of me stoping me doing things. i just have to work ten time harder than people who don't have it. It not a barrier stopping me doing anything. you can do anything if you put your mind to it.

this is just won a count on how it effect people it can affect you in different ways depending on the person and there environment. 

the advice i give any won who has dyspraxia is not let it get to you and it turn in to a barrier. against you doing anything don't listen to people who don't have faith that you can do things.

 emrass it and laugh about it. and just remember it docent define you as a person it dosent mean you cant  go and do amazing things or that your not intelligent. There more to you than just the label. To any parent who have a  dyspraxic child, don't stop them doing thing, Encourage your kid to try anything and tell them it good to be different and to empress 

i hope you enjoy reading my blog and you under stand a pit more about what people like me go through. you want to now more go to the dyspraxia foundation web site.

hers a few quote to leve you with 

"i may not be the strongest i may not be the fasts but ill be damned if I'm not tying my hardest"

"am not clumsy it just the floor hate me the tables and cheres are bullies and the walls get in the way "

"don't quit when things go wrong as they some time will when the road your on seams all up hill don't quit "

i have two mum's

I ma very lucky i have two mum's, one trans and the other is my birth mum. I don't often tell people not because am a shamed but because it quit complicated to explain. it not easy explaining that my tans mum used to be my dad and was married to my birth mum. I remember when my trans mum Jane came out i had to tell everyone that she was my Auntie, she never felt like  an Auntie even when she was my dad i sill though of her as a mum figure. For a long time maybe if now my birth mum found it hard and did not like or except that i thought of Jane as a mum figure. My birth mum definitely  had her reasons for not wanting me to tell people that i had an other mum, they were defiantly justified. society is not good at excerpting  some having two mum or two dad, in this case it complicated it not like there partners. It common to come a cross gay parent, it not so common to come across a trans parent. people do jump to conclusions and do not act well when i tell them. Trying to explain to someone that both your parents are divorced, or in the case of my perent there marriage was annulled meaning it was dissolved. That they don't have anything to do with each other but you see  them both as been your mums is difficult. I never use to talk about this subject with any won, i hatted  the fact i had to lie and hide that i had two mums. But that got complicated to, trying to doge question about my dad and trying to explain who Jane was to me. It frustrated me and up set me not been able to be true to how i felt. hated not telling the truth and lieing to my friends. in a way it is easy to say yer i have a trans mum but is not easy when you have to talk about both your mums. I wish sosiotly was more tolerant and excepting of the new modern family that are about now.

i have stayed of this hole subject with my birth mum, it not easy and it used to course argument. i want her to no though i don't think eny less of her as my mum. She is my mum she was the won to bring me in to the world, i am very lucky to have such a good mum as her. nothing will tack away the fact that she is my mum, i love her to pieces. she supported my and excepted my and fought for me, and got me in to a good school. i am so grateful.

but i want people to relies i do have a norther mum and she is also very impotent  to me. it is difficult some time having a trans mum I've  gone through a lot with her. i love and care  for her a lot, i love going girly shopping with her and doing fun stuff with her. She look after my so well and she been won reason am still living  she allay supported my in every thing i do.
I am not a shamed to have to mums, am defiantly not a shamed of having a trans mum ether. i am lucky because i have the best of both world i have a girly mum who i go shopping and do girly thing with. and have a sporty mum who i can go out and do fun activity's with and have a laugh  with. there both equally inspirational  people to me.

my coming out story

last year i finally came out as been gay, it was won of the scariest things i had to do. I rember  the first person i came out to ,it was won of my perents i said i think i might be gay but i don't no. i didn't get the  reaction i expected she said "i had my feeling that you might me and am happy whatever you are " i am so glad i had support from her. It was won of my fears that she would act badly to it, am not shore why i was scerd as she part of the lgbt comunaty to.
I spent two week eploring wether i relly was, i never had though about it propely. There was no dought about it i am a lesbian, but for thought two week when i truly started to exblore my self. I whent though deniel that i was,  i felt shame and terror at the time i wannted to be normal to fit in. I dident want there to be another reson for some won to bully me, i new how horrid my friend had been when a girl at school came out. In the end tho it was making me so unhappy not been able to be my ture self. i did start coming out to people and i got quite exsited it was rally freeing, been able to say to people am a lesbian and not feel shame about it.

Then i came out to my mum and then my sister  i relly was terified i could ifen tell her ihad to write it down. I think she though it was a faese i was going through, but at the same time saying she expted it.Then she sarted to question me and say well you cant just deside this ofer night. I  wasn't preperd for somthing like that, i mean i was all redy for some won to be out and out horrid. But not somewon  saying they exept me and everthing  but it a faces your too young to no what your sextualty is.  how can you exept some and still question what they are?

i am so glad i came out last year i feel so much more like my self it was so cool going to my first pride been out and proud. what i have lurnt from coming out is yes there allways going to be the haters but there are so menny people who are expiating. if you love your self then you should be out and proud. it dosent matter what other people think. It just matters that you exsept your self.


just to explain for thoues who dont no, coming to turms with the fact that you are gay it takes time you. you dont just wake up won morning and say am going to be a lesbian now. i new i like girl for 4 year befor i came out. it defanaly not a choise, if i had a choise i be sight not gay. dating other girl is a lot of hard work, your deling with some who is just as bitchy and emostinol as you. if people think that lesbians what diffrent thing to sright people  your wrong. most of us we won to be in love find the person of a dreams aand live in a nice house and  have kids. i will menshon this more in my next blog.